words OF wisdom

Goodbye Summertime

Disclaimer: the first paragraph and lone sentence are from July when I was on my way home from a family vacation.  The rest, I just wrote.  And A is the guy I was/am in a long distance relationship with... more about that is to come, so don't worry.

 Have you ever stumbled into an airplane bathroom, looked in the foggy mirror, and thought, "Dear God, what have I done to look this awful?"  It took me less than three seconds to come up with my answer: 18 family members, a 48lb suitcase, one long distance relationship, 10 car rides ranging from 30 minutes to five hours long, an R.V., two dogs, entirely too much food, and a day on the lake learning how to wake board.  Well, that last one falls more into the category of feelings rather than looks, which by the way, are too sore to carry the aforementioned suitcase and dead tired.

    I thought this was a vacation?

    No, actually, I thought it was a chance to see a world I had only ever heard of, but not witnessed.  A chance to go places I'd been told about, but never experienced myself.  Well, go and see I did.  It's hard for me to explain just how I felt on this week long trip (I actually cant remember exactly how long it was...what does that tell you?) because I still don't understand it.  Minnesota was a blast; cousins and favorite relatives and driveway parties and water gun fights in the street.  Perfection.  Also the first time    I ever slept in a basement. It was nice and cool.
    I wish I could say that the second leg of our journey was as satisfying as the first, but I can't.  My time in North Dakota was confusing and stomach-churning and worrisome and thought-jarring and prone to freak-outs.  Sounds like a party, huh?  It wasn't all that bad, honestly.  But the vast majority of my thoughts were heavy and distracted and scared and puzzled.  It's because I'm a thinker, a worrier.  A protector.  I was visiting the one person I was supposed to love more than anyone, and I was unsure.  Not if I loved him, no, I was positive about that.  His feelings this time were difficult for me to read.  I know him so well, and I can usually tell what people are thinking... but I couldn't figure out what was running through his mind.  That, on top of being in a place I had heard about for years and years from my step-mom, and then for months from A... it was so disorienting.  I guess you could say I had culture shock..just a mild form of course.  But discontented I was indeed, and even to this day when I look back on that trip, I can feel my disease and uncertainty.  Blech.

    Now that things are school and goodbye summertime and no more A (a story for another post), I can see that my feelings weren't out of the realm of acceptable, because things were weird between me and him.  I see that now.  And I guess a part of me saw it then too, but didn't want it to be true.
     It was another summer I will never forget.  One where I was really, truly living.  What more can you ask for?